Monday, August 31, 2009

Adventures in Modern Torture

I am not a fan of dentists in the least. As a rule anyone who makes a living causing others excruciating amounts of pain should take a long journey of self discovery. I am certainly aware of the need for dentists. I also admit that I am not the most careful when it comes to dental hygiene. I do brush but floss is not always on the menu. But I have always had problems with teeth cracking and cavities (which could be due to the obscene amounts of Coke I consume on a daily basis, but I digress). In particular there has been a three year odyssey of one tooth and the inability to keep a filling in it. By my count it has been replaced 5 times with a six procedure now in the works. So here are a few dental related thoughts I had sitting in the chair in agony;

1) We can land a man on the moon but we still have to use a piece of non bending cardboard to take x-rays?

2) The person who can invent a drill that plays a sound other than the screech of a dying mongoose sound that currently emanates from most dental equipment will be a zillionnaire (would "Shiny Happy People" playing while the dentist is elbow deep in your molars qualify as irony?)

3) Why does 2 minutes with a clay mold in your mouth seem like it lasts an eternity?

4) Novocaine is good. The shots to deliver it are bad...very bad!

5) I love the fact that the first thing they do when you get in the chair is give you a bib since it will no doubt be possible that you will start drooling like a baby...or maybe those were tears I lost track after awhile.

6) Scariest exchange of the day;
Dr: I think you need a root canal.
Dr: Well let me hit your teeth with the back of my tool here and see if it is sensitive.
Me: So if I scream in pain then I need a root canal?
Dr: That's about right.
Me: Are you kidding?
Dr: (with no hint of sarcasm) No.
(brought to you by the Marquis De Sade Dental Academy.)

7) People coming out the dental office with a face full of anaesthetic are funny. Unless that person is you...

The visit did yield a musical connection. About 15 years ago there was a British band called THE DENTISTS. A indie pop outfit that made quaint catchy songs that in many ways were so sweet they would give you a tooth ache. The band broke up after their second US record failed and they were dropped from the label. I went back and listened to their two records and although not very memorable at least it was a nice cap to a crappy day. Just think I get to go back in two weeks to finish the job. Admit it, you wish were me...

(mp3) The Dentists -- Gas (from Behind The Door I Keep The Universe)
I wish I had gotten the gas. Then again it was never offered.

1 comment:

Unknown said...

i have a fear of dentists that goes back to my childhood.

result is I have an appalling set of teeth that I'm ashamed of.

but I'm still too sacred to do anything about it.